3 – Close The Deal

John Carlton’s
Simple Writing System Express Course
Lesson #3 – Close The Deal

[text_block style=”style_1.png” align=”left”]Welcome to the third, final, and most powerful lesson of the SWS Express Course.

If you haven’t been through Lesson #1 and Lesson #2, you should go through them first.  Take a few minutes to watch those videos and review the exercise posts and John Carlton’s feedback.

Lesson #3 is where you nail down the last, simple, super-easy shortcut to creating a great sales message to your Perfect Prospect.

The “first choice tools” you’ll learn about in this short video are essential to anyone in marketing.

Apply the 3 killer SWS Express Course lessons, and you’ll be in a powerful position to close any deal.  Painlessly.  And with honest salesmanship.

When you finish the brief video, post your response in the comments below. John will review all of them and reply to as many as he can get to.  (He’ll focus on posts that provide the best learning examples for everyone.)


Stan Dahl
John Carlton’s Business Partner & Your Host for The SWS Express Course[/text_block]

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John Carlton has completed providing personal feedback on new
exercise posts.

We’re leaving this page and these comments available for just a few
more hours. There’s a TON of valuable marketing knowledge here for
you. Please take advantage of this resource while it’s available.

Watch your inbox for an email from me telling you how you can be one
of a very small group of people John Carlton will personally coach
through the complete Simple Writing System starting next week.

— Stan Dahl





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The testimonials and case studies on this page are, to the best of our ability to determine, all true and accurate. They were provided willingly, without any compensation offered in return. These testimonials and case studies do not represent typical or average results. Most customers do not contact us or offer to share their results, nor are they required or expected to. Therefore, we have no way to determine what typical or average results have been. Many people do not implement anything we teach them. We can’t make anyone follow our advice, and we obviously can’t promise that our advice, as interpreted and implemented by everyone, is going to achieve for everyone the kinds of results it’s helped the folks on this page achieve. The income statements and examples on this website are not intended to represent or guarantee that everyone will achieve the same results. Each individual’s success will be determined by his or her desire, dedication, marketing background, product, effort and motivation to work and follow recommendations. There is no guarantee you will duplicate the results stated here. You recognize any business endeavor has inherent risk for loss of capital.


  • Wouldn’t you like to recover any money that your nonprofit has been over paying for your utility bills? Just think how you could use some extra money – add a new program, update your technology tools, take care of some long overdue maintenance issues, pay some interns to help you get ahead of the curve, or just do more of what you’re already doing.

    If you think it sounds too good to be true or you already check your bills and we won’t find anything, think again. We had a client recently who felt this way but decided to go ahead with our audit. Was she ever happy she did when the utility company sent her a check for almost $10,000!

    It takes little of your time. If we find overcharges on your bills, we will audit and recover money for you going back 3 years. But all we need from you is one recent bill, we do all the rest.

    There is no upfront cost to you. If we don’t find any overcharges, you’ve received a free audit. That should impress your board and funders by having another level of financial review.

    There is no risk to you. We do the complete audit and the utility company sends any overcharges directly to you. Only then do we get paid, so the risk is on us that you’ll pay us our share.

    To get started with your audit it’s as simple as sending me a copy of a recent bill for your use of electricity, gas, water, sewer, waste disposal, phone, internet, and cable. Yes, our utility bill audit is much more than a quick look at your electric bill! You can send the bills to my email address or fax number shown below.

    Since we can only go back 3 years to recover overcharges, the sooner you get your audit started the more money we can get back for you. Don’t let another day go by, send in your bills today so we can start your audit immediately. Don’t let your money stay on the utility company’s books, you can find much better uses for your money.

    • John Carlton says:

      Hi Karen. This seems like a simple message, which you’ve complicated in your delivery.

      Just lay it out straight — with a quick, no-risk-to-you audit, we will see just how much your utility company has been overcharging you. Our experience is that this happens so often, it’s often the biggest hidden leakage of big money in your organization. Here’s how it works, and it’s simple and easy and won’t cost you a penny…

      MOST entrepreneurs, Karen, follow a simple self-imposed rule: They take a simple idea, and then find a way to complicate the bejesus out of it.

      This is so common, it’s fueled a 30-year consulting gig for me.

      The solution: De-complicate it, bring everything down to the right language and the right phrases, and make sure you use the simple tactics of persuasion and credibility.

      Edit the heck out of this.

      Good job to get this draft out.

  • So why wait? Pupnaturals can give your beloved pet all the vitamins and minerals they are lacking from commercial food. You pet’s health depends on you making educational choices. Wouldn’t you love to have piece of mind knowing you are contributing to the well-being of your furry friend while you are bonding with treats?

    We know you will do all you can for the happiness and longevity of life for your pet.

    ORDER TODAY. We are so sure you and your pet will love Pupnaturals that we offer a 100% guarantee.

    Order your 32-oz one flavor treat package and receive a sampler pack of all five delicious flavors.

    Fill out the order form below and we will immediately ship your order so that you can begin feeling confident about the treats you are sharing with your pets.

    Organic and all-natural, you have every reason to commit today to your pet’s well-being.

    P.S. Pupnaturals are made in a people kitchen and FDA and FAACO approved. Veterinarians are raving and sharing them with their patients.
    P.S.S. You will also receive a free report on the importance of vitamins and minerals and how each affect the health of your pet and what symptoms suggest deficiencies so that you recognize them early enough to make life prolonging changes.
    Don’t miss out. Get yours today.

    • John Carlton says:

      Good start.

      But, as a pet owner myself, I’m not knocked out by the offer. You’re lecturing me, a bit, when I think you believe you’re “supporting” my decision.

      People are wacky — they resist, especially when scolded or guilt-tripped. You can’t force anyone to do anything in marketing — you’ve got to persuade.

      Your copy here is too heavily influenced by the fund-raising appeals of commercials you’ve probably seen showing hurt dogs. I hate those commercials, but I know they work… at least to the TV viewing audience.

      We give money to lots of causes, but we completely avoid all appeals to the horror of real life for too many animals out there. We adopt rescues, but we don’t believe for a second we’re changing the world. We’re just helping one dog at a time.

      That’s off-topic, a bit. But it’s relevant because your copy here (“you have every reason to commit”) really does sound like a charity appeal.

      As a dog owner, I am totally freaking selfish about what I feed my dog. I’m not giving her “commercial” dog food — that’s a no-brainer. I doubt ANY of your target audience is ladling out the Purina chow — that crowd will not be open to your all-natural appeal here.

      So get clear on who you’re talking to…

      … go back to Lesson #1 if you must and review it… and WHY your Perfect Prospect might be open to what you’re selling.

      Hint: It’s not feeling good about being a better owner.

      That’s a small part of it — mainly, I want a healthy dog who isn’t going to the vet all the time. My dog will eat dead things, happily, and drink toilet water. That’s what dogs do. As the owner, I’m in charge of shoveling at least a little good stuff into her, too.

      Does this insight give you better ideas about closing the sale?

  • First I want to thank you for taking the time and allowing me to share this great chance to lower your energy costs.with you.

    Tom, can you tell me what was your favorite part of the presentation? What made the most sense to you? (wait for resonse,) Then offer the response as part of the close,, i.e. Well, Tom I can guarantee a reduction of at least 9 % in your electric bill, and remember, participation in this program doesn’t cost you one red cent

    We can get you enrolled in five minutes, How about it Tom? imagine it Tom, reduced electric bill for free, enrollment, fast and easy. That’s the deal Tom, Free, fast, and easy, and you save money, Sounds great right? Does it make sense to you? Let’s get you enrolled.(customer hesitates,)

    Well if you still have some reservations, that”s OK, it does sound almost to good to be true, so tell you what, if you enroll right now I’ll give you this special report on how energy deregulation offers all of us a better lief thru offering us better choices,,

    Now,Tom, within the report is a very special section showing you how you, as a program participant, can completely eliminate your electricity bill forever, for free. So, how about it Tom? Where can I sit so we can get your enrollment underway?.

    • John Carlton says:

      Lemme guess, Bill — you took a course in sales at some point in the recent past.

      I see what you’re trying to do, and it’s just overkill here. In a conversation with a stranger, where he is your perfect prospect, and you’ve engaged successfully with him, and he seems ready to go to the next step…

      … why are you laying it on so thick?

      Just give him a simple, friendly, streamlined outline of what’s important to him. What’s the next step for him to take, to start getting that juicy 9% reduction in energy bills?

      Especially since you seem to have some kind of enrollment thing going on… you’re bringing up more objections and challenges to a real close.

      Do you really see someone enrolling in something, in a bar or elevator?

      Consider the reality of your position. Consider what the best “next step” should actually be — it may just be to leave a name and email, to get the free report, so you can really nail him later with the benefits of being enrolled in this program.

      Salesmanship is the art of doing what is possible, not trying to meet random goals.

      You’re right to sense hesitation here — I wouldn’t do it. 9% isn’t that much of a savings, for one thing. However, I AM interested in not getting ripped off by the energy company (cuz they do it here, for realz, all the time)…

      … and I’d want to learn more.

      Keep after it, Bill.

      Great job working this through so far. Now go for the finish…

  • Bob,

    You don’t risk a penny by trying it out. Take 3 months to decide. If you are not happy, you can get a fast refund, with no questions asked and as a thank you for trying out my services, you get to keep the benefits offered to you. No questions asked.

    Why 3 Months?:
    1. You’ll see clear results in increased traffic, sales and revenue and site performance.
    2. Social Media Marketing results are better when monitored over a period of 1 to 3 months. 
    3. You will enjoy the personal attention and service that I provide when working with small businesses to deliver the results they are desperately looking for.

    To get started, you can go here [insert landing page link] and fill out the order page with your name and email.
    You can use your credit card or PayPal if you like.

    As a bonus for trying out my services today, you will have my professional service fee waived off on:

    1. Strategic Site Audit valued at $ 2500  
    2. Google Analytics Setup valued at $ 750
    3. Top 3 must do technical upgrades valued at $3000

    That’s $ 6250 additional bonus for just trying out my services for 3 months.

    Here is the link for you to claim your bonus [insert landing page link] to get started.

    • John Carlton says:

      Hi Chetan. Good job.

      Although, I’m not sure what you mean by “keep the benefits offered” — do you mean the bonuses? Big difference. Get clear on that.

      And I’m confused whether I get the 3 bonuses for free, or if you’re just waiving a PART of the cost.

      Also, you probably need to explain WHAT your bonuses are, at least a bit. Give at least one huge benefit behind owning each of them. Just valuing them high doesn’t automatically assign them value in your prospect’s mind.

      Be clear and precise. Do not allow a SINGLE doubt to emerge in his mind. This is the time to be exact, leaving nothing to chance.

      Again, good job. Clean it up just a bit, remembering to be clear on all points.

      • Camilo Buitrago says:

        I have one question here. What if the bonuses are overpriced and, as a customer, I know. Will this affect the credibility of the offer?

  • Alright (Bob), here’s what you do if your computer is not fast enough to render your 3D animation in time, just upload it down below. We make sure the work gets done, and you will meet your deadline.

    Step 1: Upload your animation
    You can upload your file here by dragging it into the upload area. If you project also has external files, we advise you to upload it as a .zip file.

    Step 2: Check the settings
    Check & double check 🙂 you want to be sure the settings are right. At this step, we will also let you know about any warnings we may find.

    Step 3: Receive your price quote
    We will calculate the price for you, and email you a secure link that will take you to your personal projects page. From there you can go ahead and start rendering!

    @Personal Projects Page
    We have listed your submitted projects below. You can choose exactly how fast you want to render them. You can also tweak the resolution and quality if you need to.

    We accept PayPal and Credit cards. When you complete the payment we start rendering your animation immediately 🙂

    Once the render has started, you can check out the results while they are being rendered. If you then realize you forgot something important, you can cancel the project at any moment and we will then send you a partial refund (based on the progress).

    If you are worried your animation doesn’t look like it should, we offer a 100% money back guarantee in case we didn’t render your scene properly!

    Be sure to check out this free guide on how to optimize your animations, to make sure you don’t pay for unnecessary render capacity!

    • John Carlton says:

      Good start. But confusing, Richard.

      I cannot imagine an animator willingly just uploading his precious stuff to your site before sealing the deal. In fact, I think it’s madness to ask him to do so.

      Have you successfully had designers do that before? Maybe if you have a globally respected reputation for honesty, going back a decade or more. But just asking someone to give up control of their work? I see that as a hard slog uphill.

      Regardless, you’ve been clear about the steps required to get a price quote. I don’t see anyone doing those steps, but you’re clear and precise.

      Also — you introduce “@Personal Project Page” out of nowhere. You cannot be mysterious, or rely on your prospect “figuring out” what you’re doing — it’s on YOU to lay out all the steps with precision and clarity.

      Throwing an unexplained surprise in here is verboten.

      One tip: If you’re asking him to trust you, before any exchange of money, like this… you may want to consider a Double Guarantee. Make the risk reversal really hurt, so it’s clear the risk is all on you to deliver. And make sure he understands you’re serious, and there aren’t any games going on.

      I want you to consider your prospect’s mindset — if you were (and I’m not saying you are, I’m just floating the suspicion) a Bad Guy who takes people’s work and holds it hostage… this is how you’d do it.

      You’ve raised suspicions. That’s a huge no-no. So consider how you can present your services in a way that builds trust, rather than relies on the prospect’s blind trust (which I doubt is in huge supply).

      You write clearly. Now, think clearly in marketing terms.

      • Thanks so much for the long feedback, John!

        On average over the past months, the number of (unique) visitors of the site that actually uploads something is around 7%. I will add some more assurances about security regarding their artwork, split test it and see if that results in a better upload rate 🙂

        In step 3 I’m mentioning the personal projects page, but I’ll definitely check to see if I can introduce it sooner and see if that makes it less surprising.

        I’ll have to read some more about the concept of “Double Guarantee” you mention there, but it sounds good. I’ll look into that and figure out a way to come accross more serious.

        I will try to enter the mind of the most suspicious potential buyer and try to disprove all his concerns or arguments about my bad intentions with his work.

        Thank you again, very fair points that I wouldn’t have found myself. I will go split test all changes I make and try to let you know about the results.

  • Rodney Kwong says:

    Did I mention your custom written copy comes with absolutely no risk?
    If you don’t like the initial draft, I’ll keep revising it until you’re completely happy.
    If in the end you still don’t like it, I’ll refund 100% of the money back to you.
    No questions asked. Simply get an immediate refund.
    I’ll even take care of the credit card fees, so you won’t be out by a single penny.

    Just click on this link to order: [link]
    The first draft will be emailed to you in [x days].

    In addition, I’m currently offering the following bonuses for free when you order today.
    1. Teardown of your website copy, along with tips on how to instantly improve it. – $XXX value
    2. An ebook of 20 high converting email templates. You can immediately start using these for your own business. – $YYY value
    Total value: $ZZZ

    Get these bonuses for free when you order today.

    To take advantage of this limited time offer, click here: [link]

    • John Carlton says:

      Really good, Rodney.

      It’s a bold offer — especially the promise of a first draft in x days. (You’ll likely have trouble with this in the real world, but it’s GREAT thinking for this exercise.) (In the real world, I do not recommend copywriters showing first drafts to clients — too much room for them to start fucking it up. But that’s a lesson for another day.)

      I love your bonuses, too. You have a good “feel” for how to sell your services in this market. You may not offer this exact deal all the time, but for the perfect client (where you know you can deliver, so you’re just removing all risk) this is great.

      Good job, my man.

  • Christopher says:

    When you take the (kitchen or dinner-room) table with you, here is what you will get as well:

    In our booklet “John & Yoko’s dinner” we feature over 66 pieces of furniture from rock-stars and Djs from all over the world and their stories why they liked them. Plus, it contains a listing of the hottest stores (and their web locations) globaly. We also list the best and most respected blogs and news-sites regarding furnishing your place in it.

    Nobody is getting their hands on this, except others who bought this table.

    This , btw, comes with a 90 days return guarantee. If you don’t like what you bought, you can return the table to us within 90 days of the purchase and will get your full refund back. No questions asked. Without any “ifs” and “buts”.

    • John Carlton says:

      Good, Christopher.

      With furniture, you probably need to consider (in your “no questions asked” policy) the condition of the piece when returned. You can’t expect someone not to use it, and that can damage the stuff.

      I’ve always pushed for “return in any condition” guarantees with clients. That removes all doubt about the process, and really takes the heat off the prospect.

      Put a value on the free booklet, too. A price, that you’re waiving for this offer. If it’s a nice all-color piece that may go on the coffee table, price it high.

      Very straightforward close here. If the cost of this table is high, though, can you offer a payment plan?

  • “Here’s the deal Bob. Why don’t we arrange for a private consultation with one of our decorators to work out the right furniture you and your family. This is a no-obligation service to you, a highly specialised advice we typically charge a $200 fee for. Many people like yourself have, in the past 33 years, spoken highly of this service. Of course if you don’t end up buying anything from us, that’s okay – no hard feelings, we know we’ve tried our best. You get to keep the advice on the types of furniture to look out for, and the colour schemes to perfectly match your decor.

    What’s more? In the spirit of the holiday season, You get an industrial-grade outdoor shade, available in 5 colors of your choice, valued at $1000, at no cost to you, if you buy one of our tailored packages within the next 10 days.

    To schedule your personalised consultation with one of our experts, at no-obligation to buy, please fill in your name, contact details, and the best time for us to reach you.”

    • John Carlton says:

      Best one so far, Albert.

      Really good offer here. You’re gonna get your foot in the door of many good prospects this way.

      Nice job.

      • Thank you Sir for your kind feedback. Holy schmokes John, that seriously made my week!

  • Hi Bob,

    Everyone likes to brag about how good their pastries are and we are so confident in ours that we came up with our “One Bite” guarantee.

    If you ever take one bite of our pastries and don’t like it ,just let us know and we will refund you the full cost of the purchase.

    Sign up to join our Epicurious Club today by clicking on the link below that will take you to PayPal to enter your credit card information.

    If you sign up today we will give you a coupon for 50% off your next purchase.

    • John Carlton says:

      A little rushed, but good.

      I like the one-bite guarantee. It’s unique, and sounds fair. Of course, you may get ripped off a lot — you may want to add “just bring back the pastry, minus what you just chewed on, and we’ll refund all your money… and give you a free cookie”. Something like that.

      Now, it’s two different things you’re offering here — pastries, and a club to join. These are two different offers, and be careful about joining them together. Most folks don’t like to “join” anything — they suspect they’ll get swamped with junk mail and email and phone calls.

      They DO join things that offer huge discounts and special privileges. If that’s the case here, you must lay it out for them, clearly. Join our club and get 20% off every pastry you buy, plus free stuff like…

      You’re on the right track.

  • Larry Fleeman says:

    John, I did this for 2 different scenarios (free report and investment consulting). Even a free report in exchange for someone’s email is still a form of closing a deal, isn’t it?

    For a free report:
    “To get your own FREE copy of my special report, just fill out this form with your first name and email address. Then click the button below and I’ll rush it to your email inbox so you can get started immediately.”

    For investment consulting:
    “If you feel that I’ve wasted even one minute of your time, just let me know and I’ll refund my entire fee. In fact, I’ll even write you a check for an additional $500 right now.

    But before you go any further you need to know I can’t help everyone. I take on only a few action-oriented clients at a time because there are a limited number of the best assets available and I want to be sure you will get the very best results.

    Here’s what to do next: To see if this is a good fit for you, simply click the button below. When you click you’ll see a secure form so you can answer a few basic questions about you and what you are trying to accomplish. If it seems like a great fit, I’ll set up a time so we can chat to go over it together.

    And I’ll even throw in my latest report on “How Much Money Do You Need to Retire?” as a free bonus to help you get started fast.”

    • John Carlton says:

      Yep. You’ve got the right idea here. Right down to the extra $500 for wasted time… coupled with a qualifying process that should limit your actual risk.

      But you’re showing the prospect you’re serious, and you’re making a reasonable request for more info.

      This is good stuff, Larry.

  • “I know how tough a time this is for you Bob, and what a big decision it is to place your Mom in a home. The guilt can be overwhelming. Tell you what. Why not bring your Mom over to one of my homes for a month? If it’s not a good fit and you’re not completely happy, I will provide her transportation and move her belongings back to her home free of charge, and refund all your money. I will also gladly provide recommendations on other homes or companies that can provide care. I have a large network around here.

    “Worth a try? Ok – here’s how we get started. Let me know a good time and date that you can come over to take a look at the home. My manager and I will personally tour you around and answer all your questions. If you like what you see, we will ask you to fill out the application and leave a deposit to hold the room. There is one sheet of paper we will need to have your Mom’s Doctor sign. We can fax it over to the Doctor if you would like. Then we pick a move in day for your Mom. If your Mom needs a van to accommodate a wheelchair, please let us know and we will coordinate the pick up as well.”

    “I know assisted living is not cheap. That’s why I wrote a guide to all the programs designed to help you pay for assisted living. From government assistance programs, to insurance and reverse mortgages, you can afford this. I want to help guide you along the way. Many people don’t know about these programs. If you choose us, I will send you the guide, and help you with any applications you might need.”

    • John Carlton says:

      Really, really, really good, Hal.

      I wish I’d had someone like you around when we faced this very situation last year with Pop.

      You show great empathy for the prospect, which soothes his resistance. And you’re even offering help in finding ways to pay for the home. That’s important — most folks have to face these decisions alone, with little info, and drastic consequences for being wrong.

      You’ll just solved multiple problems in one succinct close.

      Great job. I urge everyone here to read this…

      • Wow John. Thanks! You really made my day. Maybe to help other people avoid going through what you did with your Dad, you should do a hot seat with me so I can spread the word?:)

  • Hi John, look – only good things can happen here. If you are unsatisfied with the results I will refund you 100% of your money, AND you’ll still keep the freebie that I’ll talk about in a second. Go ahead and write a check to danmarketing right now, for $X, and I’ll throw in an additional 30 free headlines you can try out as time goes on.

  • Hi John, look – only good things can happen here. If you are unsatisfied with the results I will refund you 100% of your money, and you’ll still keep the freebie that I’ll talk about in a second. Go ahead and write a check to danmarketing right now, and I’ll throw in an additional 30 free headlines you can try out as time goes on.

    • John Carlton says:

      Not sure what you’re offering, but this is too breezy regardless of what you have.

      Remember what’s at stake here. Your prospect is now faced with a decision — pay for your services, or punt. What’s the EASIEST for him to do? Punt, most of the time. Delay, because you’ve given him zero reason to have to act now.

      Reconsider how to close here. You’re not applying any salesmanship at all — just a stark choice that is easy to ignore.

      Work on this more. Watch the video again, and pay particular attention the reasons BEHIND the 3 closing strategies.

      You’ll get it. It just may take you another try or two.

  • Here’s what to do: To order this program that will help change your life. Click the secure link which will take you to a secure link. Once you finish with that, I will send you a quick assessment form so I can quickly know your situation and email any additional questions. (Don’t have to drive to meet me anywhere.) I will then design your workout based on our correspondence.
    A sessions with Gold Gyms cost 50 dollars for an hour session and most gyms require at least a 6 package session of 350. This is not including a diet plan that you need and that’s another 100 a month. For a fraction of that amount, you can get both.
    But you don’t need that much.
    The price is $99 dollars per month and you will get the program and the diet monitoring. If you get 3 months, save 50 dollars for 250. For the price of one month of a bootcamp, you can get three months of personalized training.
    You don’t have to worry because….
    You Also Get A 6-Month No-Risk
    100% Money Back Guarantee!

    Here’s how it works: Order the Makeoverfitness 12-Week program and get your bonus e-book and mailing updates. If for any reason or for no reason at all, you aren’t completely satisfied after 3 months (enough time to completely transform your body!)- just request your money back, and I’ll personally guarantee you get a complete refund immediately. No questions asked, No hassles or forms to fill out. No problems at all. Plus just for checking me out, keep the bonus e-book and continue to enjoy the tips.
    How can I afford to be so generous? Easy- so far, every single person that I have trained has seen great results while spending 1/4 of the money even with 70% effort. The Fitness industry is pissed at me because they want to be able to continue to rake you over the coals. All I want to do is help you get the body you want without the b.s. Just imagine working or running your business while you shape and mold your body and ready for the sound of the waves on the beach on vacation.
    I understand that you may have tried programs with minimum results or you always hit the wall. That’s why I want to make sure you have absolutely nothing to lose this super-generous money-back guarantee!
    But you must order now before the price goes up. If you order now I will give you some bonus consultation
    Plus: You will receive unlimited email support through where you can get all of your questions answered. So you must hurry because space is limited because of the nature of the personalized .space is limited and I personal email each person that request.
    Even more: You will also get an Ebook valued at $29 dollars showing you lessons on. This is a great reference for you in case you want to learn more.
    What people are saying about this program.

    “I was able to lose 30 pounds in 3 months and I only put in about 85% effort or it would have been more . “
    “Great accountability, I felt like the trainer was standing there with me.” Tina Molette, MBA financial advisor.
    “I lost 85 pounds in just 4 months while working 2 jobs. I was able to change my workouts and when I needed to.”, Matthew, San Diego, California
    Clinton Walker
    P.S. My main concern is designing and finding the right combination of easy exercises and the right foods to get you to your goal. All the exercises are basic and you don’t have to eat like a rabbit to get results.
    P.S.S. Don’t wait too long because I only have space for a small number of people. This is a very personalized program so there’s only time for so many people. This amazing price will go up soon. So please don’t wait.
    So go to the link and start losing that weight. You don’t have to risk one penny.

    • John Carlton says:

      Way too complicated.

      Simplify this. Get into the head of your prospect, and realize what she’s going through trying to decide. What will help her decide to buy?

      You’re close with many of your offerings. The unlimited email support sounds good… but I’m skeptical. How can you overcome that skepticism?

      The refund is fine, but remember: You’re dealing with someone who’s been burned before. (In this market, every prospect has been burned… which is an opening for honest marketers who know how to gain trust.)

      You’re definitely being “pushy” here. Which can work — this sounds like a good deal (once I deciphered what the deal actually is, buried in all your copy), and prospects need to be pushed. A bit.

      But you’re sounding pretty much like all your competition, too. How can you streamline this, so it all comes down to a simple decision: Yes, I think your personal training is what I want, and the support sounds great… and I’m clearly not risking anything… so yes, let’s give a try.

      You’re close. You’ve just dumped a whole lot of stuff on me (the prospect), when you need to be persuasive through simplifying my decision.

      Reconsider all this. Again, you’re close.

      Good job working it all out.

      • Thanks. I will definetely go back to the drawing board.

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    • John Carlton says:

      Not bad. I’d bring the free website offer up top — it’s a legitimate good bonus that should help a prospect decide.

      Asking for money first — and a LOT of money, too — is a mistake. You’re giving me a chance to say “Naw. Maybe another time”. Remember: I’m still skeptical, still resistant, still aware I’m being “sold”. You must get past all of this.

      And requiring a full year before getting a refund is way too long. You’re asking me to trust you, when it should be the other way around. Massage this, so the risk is on YOU, not me.

  • Tom,

    Let’s do this…

    You give me your most frustrating ad. I’ll rewrite it for you.

    If you are not happy in 30 days with the results after mailing then I’ll return your money, no questions asked.

    • John Carlton says:

      You’re assuming way too much here, John. If there was no money involved, it would be a decent offer — one many copywriters have offered before, successfully.

      In fact, some of the most successful writers I worked with offered free rewrites as their standard deal. They only chose clients they knew they’d succeed with, and when they had a winning ad, they received huge royalties. The risk was all on the writer, but because he knew what he was doing, it was small.

      And, he was able to charge astonishingly big royalties this way. Much bigger than any deal done before the client saw they had a winner. (The magic was in the contract signed, so no shenanigans were allowed.)

      What you have here depends entirely on what you’re charging, which you give no clue about. If it’s a small amount, then it’s okay. If you’re charging going rates, though, it’s complicated.

      And the 30 day thing — are you dealing with direct mail, or email, or what? Asking a client to mail, and not setting up HOW to measure a “success”, is asking for trouble.

      Reconsider. You’re on the right track, but you need to flesh things out more.

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    ~~~Previous Lessons~~~

    Exercise #1 The Bar Room Conversation

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    • John Carlton says:

      Very good, Joshua.

      Nailed it.

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    • John Carlton says:

      How much is this PDF? That’s a hard sell these days, getting money for a PDF. And if you do get some success, you’ll be easily ripped off by other marketers, who will just offer your report for free.

      But then, I may not have your offer correct in my mind. Because it’s confusing.

      You need to clarify everything. That’s your main job now, being clear with what you offer. I (the prospect) don’t care about the “history” of anything — if I’ve been burned, I want relief. Now. That’s the ONLY thing I’m concerned with.

      But then, you’re going to have a hard time finding a market of people who’ve just been burned. So you’re in the “prevention” market, which is also a tough sell. But I imagine there IS a market out there for this — it just may not be where you’re aiming.

      How you define your Perfect Prospect matters enormously here. If it’s medical pro’s dealing with burn victims, that’s a different sale than folks who want a remedy for the home (cuz they’ve got kids playing with matches all the time).

      You have the right elements, but in a confused pile. Get straight on who you’re marketing to (go back to Lesson One if you need a refresher), and that will help you close the deal.

      • Thank You John, You have helped me enormously. I will go back to lesson one, after I redetermine my perfect prospect, with market research. this has been sort of off the cuff and rushed for me. It is close to my heart because my granddaughter received 3rd degree burns a while back and I (we) want to get this out there for other people. If we can make a few bucks at the same time all the better. Your critique has rekindled my enthusiasm for this project. Thank You.

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    • John Carlton says:

      Well, your actual offer is pretty basic and okay. But you buried it within a lot of other copy.

      You’re asking a big price for something your prospect is probably not completely sold on. From the copy, you sound like you’re going after rookie marketers, who don’t know what a copywriter is yet. That’s a pretty hard demographic to nail down.

      But you’ve got all the basics here. So good job on the exercise. The offer is clear, but not very convincing, however. You gotta continue to work on that part.

  • Bob,

    Let see if we can make this time I have used of yours a win/win here. You purchase one bottle of Evangeline skin care Moisturizer for wife and lets see if it provides the results that I get to read about very day with women that write us wonderful testimonial and if she’s not getting results day one you can send it back no question ask at our cost.

    How does that sound because every know if she isn’t happy your not happy LOL

    • John Carlton says:


      You’re not far off, but you need to work on your delivery. Here’s some free advice: Read “Elements of Style”, by Strunk and White. It’s the best quick book on writing clearly I’ve ever found — and you can read it in under an hour. It’s like a condensed English 101 class, and fun to read.

      Communicating is your PRIMARY tool when selling. If your prospect is confused, he’s gone. You can’t persuade without being clear and coherent.

      So work on your language skills — it’ll go a long way to helping you clearly sell to prospects.

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    • John Carlton says:

      Excellent, Ann.

      Good work.

      • Thanks, John,

        It’s been a pleasure working with you!

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  • Hey,

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  • I tried to add to the information and it delete the other information sorry

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    • John Carlton says:

      Hmmm. You’ve done the exercise…

      … but I think you’re on the wrong track. If you’re dealing with doctors, you must know that burn-out is the main factor in their biggest problems. Yet, you’re asking them to commit to an 8 week course, and join a membership program.

      That’s a big ask. Going up against a HUGE objection — “I don’t have time for this.”

      You’ve got to do more to get past that objection, Fernando. You understand your market, but you’re not empathizing with them. Would YOU jump on this deal, as a working doctor? Probably not — too much commitment, without a clear goal.

      So you’ve got the basics down, for the exercise. But you need to re-examine your offer. What do doctors really want, and how can you best deliver it to them? Hint: It’s not in a membership program.

      • Fernando Lamounier says:

        Thanks John.

        Not sure you will see this as the mini-series is over but worth trying.
        Appreciate the insight and the reminders ( I have done the exercises on your SWS course I took few years ago 🙂

        Im a bit stuck then…

        Answering your question: Yes. I would join a program like that as I have. They do want a magic bullet that would bring the patients / cases they like, make more money and take the red tape / management BS away. They want to practice and be left alone.

        I am not sure how to deliver that except by coaching them…

        I surveyed them and they said they are interested in a coaching program, that is why I am creating this.

        One of the ways to overcome the time issue is by offering things in small bite sizes that they can access at their own pace.

        What am I missing here?