2 – The Elevator Chat w Colin Chung

John Carlton’s Simple Writing System Express Course

Lesson #2 – The Elevator Chat

With Your Personal Coach: Colin Y.J. Chung

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Colin Chung, Your Personal Copy Coach

Hey, welcome back!

Glad you made it to lesson #2!

You’re in for a treat.

The first lesson was about your prospects. This one is about you.

We’re going to craft your second foundational “copy tool” today: Your Elevator Pitch.

You’ve probably been told you need to explain your business in 30-60 seconds…

But how can you do it in a way that’s memorable… and gets the prospect wanting more?

Once again, I’ll hand you over to my trusted teacher, John Carlton… to teach you the “one-sentence-formula” that’s probably responsible for over $100,000,000 in sales.

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Alright.

Just like last lesson… now, it’s your turn.

  1. You’ve watched the video.
  2. Now, fill-in-the-blanks for this simple formula.
  3. And, write it out in the comments section.
  4. I’ll get back to you with feedback in a jiffy.

Remember, the one-sentence-formula is…

A. We help [group of people]

B. Do/Get [benefit]

C. [better, cheaper, faster or easier]

D. Even if [worst case scenario]

As always, I’m here to give you a boost if you need it.

I’m going to assume you’re good with A (group of people) and B (what problem your business solves)…

But you might get a little hung up on C (how you’re different).

When I learned this from John a decade ago, I came up with a really awkward acronym I still use today:

FESCAT

It stands for:

Faster
Easier
Simpler
Cheaper
more Accurate
less Thinking

If you think about it, whenever we’re faced with two or more choices…

Those really are the six criteria we consider to help us decide.

And different products and services place different values on each of them.

For example, you probably don’t want a “cheap, fast heart surgeon”. You want an accurate one.

Or let’s say you rent out apartments and you’re repainting the place after the last tenant.

You don’t need an “accurate” perfect paint job.

You just need a good enough “cheap and fast” one… knowing the new tenant will paint it over anyway.

Again – it comes back to Lesson #1…

What is your market and what do they want and need?

It’s your job to frame your business in the way they want it.

So think about your business and what it does better than your competitors.

ONE SIDE NOTE: There’s a seventh criteria for certain businesses that may apply to you.

It’s Luxury/Exclusivity.

Sometimes, we buy stuff just to “fit in”… or to show-off and brag to our friends.

Just something to think about.

OK – that’s enough from me.

Get to work.

Warmly,

Colin Chung
Your Personal Copy Coach

P.S. If you haven’t done the exercise from Lesson 1 yet… you really ought to.

John Carlton’s Simple Writing System was designed with an internal logic where you go from step 1 to step 2 and so forth.

Skipping steps can really hurt you in your copy training.

I’m serious. Do ’em in order. Go back to Lesson 1 now, and do the exercise.

I won’t be giving feeback on Lesson 1 any longer…

… but you will find about 100 replies I left. I think you’ll get a lot of value out reading the comments on the Lesson 1 page.

Click here for Lesson #1


P.P.S. 
Colin has moved on to providing feedback on Lesson #3.

I’ll leave this page and the comments below available for you to review for a few more days. There’s a TON of valuable marketing knowledge here. Please take advantage of this resource while it’s available.  — Stan Dahl

Click here for Lesson #3

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The testimonials and case studies on this page are, to the best of our ability to determine, all true and accurate. They were provided willingly, without any compensation offered in return. These testimonials and case studies do not represent typical or average results. Most customers do not contact us or offer to share their results, nor are they required or expected to. Therefore, we have no way to determine what typical or average results have been. Many people do not implement anything we teach them. We can’t make anyone follow our advice, and we obviously can’t promise that our advice, as interpreted and implemented by everyone, is going to achieve for everyone the kinds of results it’s helped the folks on this page achieve. The income statements and examples on this website are not intended to represent or guarantee that everyone will achieve the same results. Each individual’s success will be determined by his or her desire, dedication, marketing background, product, effort and motivation to work and follow recommendations. There is no guarantee you will duplicate the results stated here. You recognize any business endeavor has inherent risk for loss of capital.

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  • Bob, we help investors like you, nearing retirement, safely generate enough extra income outside the stock market to guarantee you and your wife never run out of money… even if you have less than $25,000 in savings… Even if you’re sick of paying over the odds for overpriced dividend payers… and even if you don’t want to risk another penny in stocks, options, bonds, or any other speculative investment the wolves on Wall Street are likely to push at you…

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hey Eric,

      Glad to see you here.

      This is a good start, you did the exercise technically right… but it doesn’t have that “magic something” that turns my head. Outside the stock market is too vague. Is it real estate? Cashflow banking? Private equity? biz op? How can you spin whatever it is into a much more interesting elevator pitch?

      Under 25K is interesting… but as someone who writes financial promos for a living, I make this promise in every ad I write. “All you need is $5K to start”.

      Dig deeper. What can you say that really ups my curiosity level here?

      Colin

  • Sorry – I couldn’t help but overhear you’re struggling with finding good quality leads. I maybe able to help you out. [slight pause] My company uses technology to build lists of quality leads for business owners just like you. Even if you’ve never marketed online before, the process we take you through weeds out the tyre kickers and zero’s in on your target audience. So you get a list of people who want to talk to you – all without leaving your office.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Sharon,

      Glad to see you here.

      This is a good start… but “technology” is SUPER-vague. What does that even mean? Do you have a room full of middle-aged women scraping lists? Do you have a license to Acxiom? Do you have access to Russian hackers who steal data? LOL. Kidding. But you know what I mean.

      You can tease this better that turns heads. You’re on the right track though. Let’s see if you can come up with something that really amps up the curiosity level.

      Colin

  • Emette Massey says:

    We help struggling small business owners increase their cash flow by creating the perfect marketing plan, finding the best places to market their business and the crafting the perfect marketing message at costs that totally pisses off the competition, even if they’ve tried every advertising option available and failed over and over before. And we do it completely risk free and show them how it do it at a cost that pays for itself again and again.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Emette!

      Good to see you here.

      What you got here is good. It’s technically right, but it can be better. Does your perfect prospect really want a “marketing plan” and “marketing message”? I would argue that if they got the best possible leads, they’d be happier. Think about what you REALLY offer. You can still say “marketing plan” somewhere in this sentence… but what do you REALLY help your prospects GET? What is the end result of these marketing plans, best places to market and the “perfect marketing message”?

      Dig deeper into the core. What is the END RESULT that your prospect wants? Very few business owners get up in the morning and say I need a better marketing plan.

      Give it a another shot.

      Colin

      • Emette Massey says:

        Thanks Colin for your awesome insights! Yes, this makes total sense. Here’s another stab at this:

        We help struggling small business owners get better quality leads, increase their sales volume, totally remove the pain and frustration of marketing and advertising and reduce advertising waste, even if they’ve tried every advertising option available and failed over and over before. And we do it completely risk free and at a cost that pays for itself again and again.

  • Sorry, couldn’t help overhearing you’re looking for a name. Actually my company helps startups finding a profitable name for their ideas. Even if you have no experience at all with creating names we help you to find a great name fast. A name that will resonate with your ideal customer like no other. Without the usual naming struggles like endless brainstorm sessions or getting stuck with taken domain names or worse, legal problems with other companies. And this all comes from an award winning copywriter with 20 years of experience with creating names.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hey Floris,

      Good to see you back here.

      Hmmm…

      Two things.

      One, is a “profitable name” what your prospects care about here? If a prospect is so obsessed with their name, are they more worried about profitable than branding or viralability? I question that. But you know your prospects better than I do.

      Second. Let’s list of the worst case scenario stuff you mentioned here: no experience, endless brainstorming session, taken domain names, legal problems… I think you can drop “experience”… and I think you can increase the pain here for the other three problems. Brainstorming sessions don’t suck because they’re endless (I mean, they do…), but the REAL reason it sucks is you go in circles and you can’t seem to settle on a good idea or can’t find that perfect idea. I think you can put in an adjective or something to describe how horrible it is to find domain squatters as well and find out they want $5,000 for their name.

      Does this make sense?

      You can get more specific and really nail home the elevator chat.

      Colin

  • Deepak Chawla says:

    “Excuse me but I couldn’t help overhearing your problem.

    Let me introduce myself. I am Deepak and I help small-scale business owners and entrepreneurs like you write content for their website, emails, and ad campaigns that bring in a lot of leads in a very short period of time.

    I create a system of marketing products and services using content which is wickedly cost effective and so simple to use even for those who have never written a single word for business marketing.

    This system consists of specific steps that must be followed to write effective content and boost your sales. It comes with a collection of training videos to guide them through each and every step so that they never get stuck at any time. Apart from all this, all my clients get my personal assistance and attention on a regular basis.”

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hey Deepak, welcome back!

      I think you’re talking too much here. This is much longer than an elevator chat, and the challenge here is you started talking about your system and “specific steps”. You don’t have time to do that in a elevator pitch. You also don’t have time to talk about your training videos either.

      Stick to the formula.

      I help [small-scale business owners and entrepreneurs] (COMMENT: this can be even more specific)
      get [a lot of leads] (how many? what can you promise here? how fast? “very short period” is vague)
      without.. [???]

      We’re missing this part. What is the worst case scenario here?

      Colin

      • Deepak Chawla says:

        Hi Colin, thanks for your comments. How about this pitch according to the formula?
        “I help local small scale finance and accounting firm owners get 300% more leads within 30 days of implementing my simple to use content marketing system even if they can’t write a single word for their marketing campaigns.”

  • Ken Steven says:

    I help people who feel trapped in a job they hate, discover work they can feel deeply passionate about, even if they have no clue what their passion is now or what’s making them feel so unhappy. And, unlike other passion discovery processes that can takes weeks or even months to complete, my simple 3-step LifePassion Trifecta Technique™ can be done in as little as one day without tedious, time-sucking introspection.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Ken, welcome back!

      Not bad. Not bad at all. Some would argue that it’s overpromising… to discover your passion in as little as one day without weeks and months of time-sucking introspection.

      If you’re going all out though, throw in meditating, journaling and stuff like that too.

      On that note.. My B.S. radar is flashing here as someone who’s done a lot of personal transformation work… but that’s OK for this exercise. We don’t do credibility and proof stuff until a future exercise.

      See you in the next one.

      Colin

      • Ken Steven says:

        Hey Colin. Thanks for the heads up on the BS radar issue. Would it help if I gave the big promise and then teased with permission to believe as follows:

        And, unlike other passion discovery processes that can takes weeks or even months to complete, my simple 3-step LifePassion Trifecta Technique™ can be done in as little as one day without tedious, time-sucking introspection, because I’ve done all the deep thinking for you.

        Thanks,
        Ken

  • Angel M. Gonzalez says:

    Hola Colin,

    Couldn’t help but have some fun with the exercise.
    Here it is:

    Colin: Excuse me, ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation…

    Donna & Linda: Okay… and?

    Colin: Right. Well, I work with that new online program you two mentioned.

    We help time-crunched, loving mothers – like yourself – teach their kid or kids how to become independent by learning the basics of money, well past learning how to invest.

    We do this for our exclusive online community through fun games and short video classes designed to make the lesson stick. Even if you’re a single mother with only 5 or 10 minutes to spare, and your kid or kids don’t know what money is…yet.

    Donna: Really now? Where can I find out more about this program?

    [Thinking to themselves] Colin & Linda: Let the sales process continue…

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Angel!

      Great to see you back here.

      Heh. I’m selling stuff for you now? Where’s my commission check?

      This is good. You can amp it up a bit more with the WCS (worst case scenario) stuff. Time isn’t their only problem, their kids not knowing problem isn’t their only problem either. There were a few more problems we talked about in the last exercise as well.

      See you in the next exercise!

      Colin

  • Hey Brett, couldn’t help but over hear your struggles… listen

    We help business owners (big or small) capitalize on digital and social media marketing and advertising, almost immediately seeing rapid improvement in their digital presence and sales.. even if you are scared of the Internetz and don’t know the first thing about digital marketing.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Marco,

      Welcome back.

      This is a good start. Perhaps use something more down to earth than “capitalize”. What does your perfect prospect ultimately WANT? What do they want to GET/DO? Your next line slips into vague territory. I get “rapid improvement in digital presence”? What does that mean? It sounds like mumbo-jumbo to me.

      Go back to the first exercise where you did your avatar exercise. Do you think your prospects cares about “rapid improvement in digital presence”? The guy is (as you already said) scared and doesn’t know anything about this “digital marketing”.

      You’re not making it easy for him/her when you say words like “capitalize” and “rapid improvement in digital presence”. Remember, you have 30 seconds to really get my attention.

      Give this another shot.

      Colin

      • Hey Colin thanks for the feedback! I’m going to give this another go:

        Hey Brett, couldn’t help but overhear…

        My name is Marco and my team and I help struggling business owners bring in more sales while helping you stomp out the competition with digital and social media advertising even if you have been living in the stone age and never ran a digital ad in your life!

  • Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing what you are going through. You are not alone. I help people get rid of ugly red ink stains from their bank accounts.

    I show struggling online entrepreneurs how to go from red to black in record time. Often within 30 days, using simple, but often overlooked, time-tested ways to pack in the cash. Like a squirrel packs away nuts for the winter.

    Imagine being able to do all this without adding any stress, (or crazy glue) to your stretched and broken budget. If I could show you how to do this, would it help you out?

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Robert,

      Welcome back!

      Sorry, I feeling a lot of disconnection here. We were talking about people burnt out and broke from biz-op in our last exercise. And it sounds like you’re talking about debt and negative bank accounts.

      And I’m not clear on what you’re actually selling here. I would cut out all your analogies (squirrels and glue)… and focus on the formula:

      I help [failed biz op folk]
      DO/GET [back in the black and making money]
      using/adjective [???] (30 days is promising, but what exactly are you doing? It’s an empty promise until I can get a better sense of what you’re doing here)
      WITHOUT (no stress isn’t really the biggest pain point here… there were several others you listed in the last exercise)

      Does this make sense?

      Get laser/hyper focused here. You have 30 seconds. What’s the greatest promise you can make here and turn my head… while hitting my pain points?

      Give it another shot.

      Colin

      • Hey Colin,
        Thanks for the swift kick to the head.

        Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing. I help failed business opportunity seekers get in the black, easier and faster. Even if they have never made a single dime in biz op before.

  • ME: I apologize for eavesdropping…. Maybe I can help. For years I’ve been helping companies find more customers who buy larger quantities more often… even when those companies believe they’ve already tried everything to get new customers.

    BAR STOOL GUY: Really? OK, I’m listening. How do you do that?

    ME:Using techniques proven to find your ideal customers, while ensuring your time isn’t wasted by those who aren’t ideal for you. Doesn’t matter the medium… only the message, which is how I help you.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Dave,

      Welcome back!

      You had me at “customers that buy more stuff more often”… but then the rest of it needs work. “proven techniques” sounds like everybody else. Not wasting time with non-ideal customers sounds like everyone else too.

      I think you can write better worst case scenario stuff. Stuff that really turns my head.

      Colin

      • Thank you Colin.

        ME2: Connecting emotionally with your ideal customers thru the same words and images they use to describe their feelings. Guiding them to conclude that buying from you is the only way to relieve their pain.

  • Mike Williams says:

    We help truck drivers build a PROFITABLE work from home freight broker business in 60 days.
    Even if you have NO business education or experience.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Mike!

      Welcome back.

      This is good… but…
      I’d add some of exercise 1 stuff in here to really make this pop.
      Really emphasize the “work from home” stuff and contrast this with all the negatives of being on the road.

      I feel like the #1 promise here, “We help truck drivers stop driving trucks and still be in the trucking business” or something like that. You’ll have to do the work and spin that better… but that’s the magic you’re selling.

      Colin

  • Excuse me for interrupting John, I just couldn’t help overhearing…my name is Jim and I help dental practices like yours grow faster and more consistently using laser targeted Facebook ads and jaw dropping offers to get a steady stream of new leads into your office, even if you’ve tried Facebook ads or Google ads before and it just didn’t work for you.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Jim,

      Welcome! This is a good start. I would drop “grow faster and more consistently” until you can quantify that. I would move “leads” to the forefront and make a bold promise of saying XX number of them within XX weeks.

      Right now, it’s a very abstract promise. It’s not bold and doesn’t turn my head.

      You can also amp up the even if section. trying FB and Google ads and failing isn’t the biggest pain point. I forget, but did you do exercise 1? I would do it and really dive into the prospect’s problem to figure out what they’re truly afraid of, frustrated with, feeling guilty about, worried about etc…

      Then sneak that into the “even if” section and really drive home what they really WANT.

      Make sense?

      Colin

  • We help young families find homes within their budget when there are other buyers competing for the same properties.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Sherry,

      Glad to see you back!

      This is a technically perfect response to the exercise… but, it’s missing the “magic” of turning my head and grabbing my attention in 30 seconds or less. I think almost any of your competitors can say what you’re saying.

      What can you “hack” or “tweak” here to make you stand out? What’s the biggest promise you can make here? What’s something you can say that makes me go… wait, what?!

      Watch the video again. John’s examples are head-turning.

      – Golfer’s with HUGE handicaps… IMMEDIATELY get better
      – Get rid of debt… WITHOUT borrowing.
      – Lose 20-30lbs in 10 days… without sweaty exercise.

      Can you amp up your promise and what you do in this elevator pitch?

      Colin

      • We help young families find homes within their budget when there are other buyers competing for the same properties. We do everything from showings to offers within two weeks.

        • Colin Chung says:

          Hm. It’s getting there, but when you read this, is this something you’d get really excited about and want to share with 5 other friends right away?

          Do you have a “system” and can you “name it” for the showings and offers? Like name it the 14-point showing and offer system? Some proprietary thing that guarantees you’ll get an offer in 14 days or I buy you dinner or something like that?

          not saying you have to… but as you coach (and also as a hired gun copywriter), I’m going to push for the ideal copy… and it’s the client’s job to bring it back down to reality if that makes sense.

          Colin

          Looking forward to working with you in the next 15 lessons, Sherry.

  • I couldn’t help but overhear your struggles with Facebook advertising for your business, but perhaps I can help…

    We provide a Facebook advertising course for small and medium-sized businesses just like yours that is wickedly effective at clearing away the confusion and frustration with Facebook advertising that will quickly show you hot to tap into Facebook’s undeniably effective ad platform to immediately grow sales and leads, increase brand awareness, and even supercharge the results from your traditional marketing spend. Our Facebook ad course is the shortest path to success, cuts out all the fluff and misinformation, and was designed from the ground up specifically for your industry.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Toby,

      Great to see you here.

      I would not mention a “course” at all. That’s the last thing a busy business owner wants to hear. More work. More learning. More stuff to do.

      Let’s get to the heart of it, what is the KEY strategy and KEY end result your prospect wants here?

      Stick to the formula:

      We help [small/mid-sized business owners]
      Get [what? NOT a course. Nobody wants a course]
      Using [What? some strategy? some magic trick? something?]
      Adjective [can you promise numbers? time spent? number of leads? number of clicks? what?]
      WITHOUT [fluff and misinformation is ok… but what does your prospect REALLY hate and fear?]

      Cut this down to the CORE message. Hyperfocus here and be hyper-specific on concrete things.

      Colin

  • Bob, we help small to medium size businesses get the biggest returns from their website structures by providing easier to understand copy and organization of your web pages, thereby creating more leads from your site visitors even if you’ve never considered the needed components used in building a profitable website.

  • We help you lose weight and get healthy…
    quickly, efficiently, permanently
    with weight loss system made only for YOU
    for less than price of gym membership
    let alone a personal trainer (INCLUDED)
    even if you have never lost a single pound before. Guaranteed!

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Sania,

      Good to see you here!

      This is a good start. Can you get more specific? Can you promise X amount of weight lost? What does “healthy” mean?

      I like “less than the price of a gym membership”… and the fact it includes a “personal trainer”… that turned my head a little until I thought about it more and assumed it meant a virtual trainer… but that’s good. That’s the kind of reaction we want in this elevator pitch.

      I would work on the “Even If” part though… “never lost a pound before” is not this market. This market has lost weight before and gained it back. If you go back and do exercise one and really dive in and think about what this market is afraid of, frustrated with, worried about, angry about, feels guilty about… this will feed a lot of your worst case scenario copy.

      Make sense?

      Colin

      • Hi Colin
        Thanks for the insight.

        I don’t know what to say about X amount of weight as it is consistent and not speciifc?
        The product is one gym membership price for 6 people plus virtual trainer AND one on one trainer if a client walks in or makes appointment at the facility. So there IS a personal trainer option with no added expense.
        How about even if you failed to stay in shape before?

        We help you lose weight without dieting…
        quickly, efficiently, permanently
        with complete weight loss system (customized exercise and real life nutritional plan) made only for YOU
        for less than price of gym membership
        let alone a REAL personal trainer (INCLUDED)
        even if you failed to stay in shape before. Guaranteed!

  • Robert Chin says:

    Hi Colin,
    Here’s my second exercise.

    Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I don’t want to come across like an eavesdropper. I couldn’t help but have this deja vu moment as I heard your story. You see, you were describing my story to a “T”only up until a year ago. So I think I may have a solution for you.

    I own and operate a debt consolidation and management company that does two things. First, it helps to restore your money sanity by eliminating your debt harpies. Then, it helps you get on a controlled spending program, sort of like Weight Watchers for over spenders.

    This program worked for me and it can do the same for you all within a year, even if you feel you’re on a non stop rocket ride to bankruptcy hell.

    And here’s the best part: in the unlikely event this program doesn’t work for you, you won’t owe me a penny.

    So here’s my card. Give me a call so we can game plan your solution.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Robert,

      Great to see you here.

      I’m going to have to ask you to stick to the formula.

      I help [WHO?]
      GET [rid of debt? and stay out of debt with controlled spending] Is that it?
      HOW [what’s your FESCAT here? how do you do it differently that turns my head?]
      WCS [what does “non-stop rocket ride to bankruptcy hell” mean exactly?]

      The last one is hard. I noticed you did exercise 1, I’ll go take a look, but I suspect you didn’t really dive deep into what they’re afraid of, frustrated with, feeling guilty about, worried about, and feeling anxious about. THat’s all your WCS (worst case scenario) copy there.

      Give it another shot. I’ll be here.

      Colin

  • I don’t mean to interrupt, but I couldn’t help but overhear your problem. I understand how you feel and hate to see people going through what you’re facing. I’d love to help you. The good news is that I help entrepreneurs easily obtain warm leads and referrals for their business through networking – sometimes 20-30 per week. This is done with a far superior approach than what has been taught by others – even if you have no experience networking with people AND even if you think you’re not a “people person”.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Ryan,

      Good to see you here.

      This is technically good… but it’s not hitting that “magic turn my head” point yet.

      You help entrepreneurs.
      Get 20-30 leads a week
      using networking
      even if you have no experience networking and you’re not a people person.

      OK. Like I said, it’s technically good.

      But can you amp this up more to turn my head?

      Can you reframe networking as some sort of unique strategy that you use?
      Can you start with a crazy “Even if” like… “without talking to a single person”… and then ramp it down from there?

      Think of ways to make your elevator pitch here even more “crazy” so that I turn my head and pay attention to you.

      Colin

      • Colin,

        Thank you for your feedback. Here’s another angle:

        I help entrepreneurs easily obtain warm leads for their business. All they have to do is “hang out” with people and get to know them. This strategy can generate 20-30 referrals per week! This works even if an entrepreneur has anxiety about talking to people. Making connections by literally doing the opposite of what most normally do…

        Couldn’t make networking easier.

  • Hernando Valdivia says:

    “Hey there I don’t want to bother you for long”
    but I overheard and wanted to let you know

    “We help online business owners and entrepreneurs bring in more sales quicker and faster even if you have no experience with online advertisements and selling or haven’t seen progress from prior advertisements you have.”

  • Hi. I couldn’t help but over hear your difficulty in finding your first job out of college. It can be a tough place to be in when you don’t know where to start and where to look for that first job, all while thinking about that big sum of money you owe. (allow listener to respond and after pause, state name) My name is “* ” by the way.
    It takes so much effort, time, and money to work towards that degree, and now you gotta spend more time, more effort, and more money —money to come here clear your head— to figure out what your next step will be. It would be nice, wouldn’t it, to get paid to do all of this instead of having to pay to work hard. If you did, maybe about half your loan and half your stress would be gone. (after pause) I actually work for a company that helps college graduates find jobs and careers with various companies around the world. The great part of it is that it is free for you. Employers pay us to help college graduates find jobs. We get paid when you get a job that pays you. If your are interested, I could share with you the company’s name and website.

    • Hi Colin. Below is a shorter version of exercise 2.

      Hi. I couldn’t help but over hear your difficulty in finding your first job out of college. It can be a tough place to be in when you don’t know where to start and where to look for that first post-college job, all while thinking about that big sum of money you owe.

      (after pause) I actually work for a company that helps college graduates find jobs and careers with various companies around the world. The great part of it is that it is free for you. Employers pay us to help college graduates find jobs with those companies. We get paid when you get a job that pays you. If your are interested, I could share with you the company’s name and website.

      • Colin Chung says:

        Hi Travis,

        Great to see you here!

        Thanks for doing the second shorter version. It’s much more aligned with the exercise.

        It’s technically perfect. But can you do something to amp it up?

        Right now, it’s:

        I help college graduates
        Find jobs/careers around the world
        It’s free, you don’t pay us
        EVEN IF… what?

        So let’s dig in here.

        Can you make the second statement more bold? Can you promise 6 figure jobs right out of the gate? I’m not saying you have to… but can you put numbers in there?

        What about the fourth statement? Did you do exercise 1? Did you dig into the psychology of your perfect prospect? What’s going on there? What are they afraid of, angry with, worried about, feeling guilty about, anxious about, etc.? What else have they tried and failed? This will feed your worst case scenario copy.

        Dig in a bit more to make this pop.

        Colin

  • Hi Colin,

    My Elevator Chat:

    We offer premium private country club memberships to young couples…
    To provide them with the allure, prestige, and pride of a social status worth sharing to the world…
    To offer them a place of solitude that their children and friend’s children can grow up at…
    For a membership much less than competitor clubs and a management team ready to serve you every step of the way
    Even if you have been denied or asked to leave another club due to monetary problems. We are here for you!

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Sean,

      Great to see you here!

      This is a good start and it’s technically perfect… but it even has a little curiosity element to it. But what can you do to make this really pop?

      I like that you have “even if you’ve been denied or asked to leave”. That’s cool.
      Are these memberships around the world?
      How much LESS are we talking about? Can you put a % on there?
      What kind of service am I really getting from the management team? Is it almost exactly the same as if I was a billionaire?

      Start with the biggest most outrageous promise you can make up… then scale it back to reality.

      Give it a shot.

      Colin

  • We help busy fathers lose weight and get in shape so they can be good role models for their children and keep up with increasingly active kids. We help you do this even if obligations, emergencies and family dinners constantly get in the way of your best laid plans. We are fathers ourselves and have found simple systems that can be adjusted to whatever life throws at you.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Baard,

      Great to see you here.

      This is a good start, but it’s missing a few of the key elements of the exercise.

      We help [busy fathers]
      DO/GET [lose weight/get in shape]
      ADJECTIVE [ this is missing]
      EVEN IF [obligations, emergencies, family dinners… so basically life stuff]

      Go ahead and really think about your “how/adjective”. What can you promise there that will make this pop.

      As for statement number four… did you do exercise #1? What are they afraid of, angry with, worried about, feeling guilty about, anxious about, etc.? What else have they tried and failed? This will feed your worst case scenario copy.

      Right now… “life” is not PAINFUL. it’s just a complaint you can brush off and use as an excuse. How many people have said “oh, I’d love to exercise, but who has the time? ha ha ha” at a party? What did this guy just do? BRUSH IT OFF. People don’t do stuff until there’s PAIN.

      So get in there and dig up that pain. What’s the worst case scenario stuff you can put in there?

      Give it another shot.

      Colin

  • We help young moms spend fun, unpressured time together with their babies reading unique e-books personalized with their child’s name – and illustrated with an avatar that looks like their child – that don’t cost an arm and a leg

  • Minh Tam Tran says:

    Sorry – I couldn’t help but overhear but we have help company that going downhill raise their sales and income. We can bringing up your business by 50% within 6 months. Even your company do not have any sell in the last 6 months or any sign of going up.

    • Colin Chung says:

      HI Minh,

      Welcome back!

      That’s pretty good on the first bit, but you’ll want to tweak it all. Let’s break it down:

      We HELP [companies] – what companies? What size? what industry? Do you help EVERYONE?

      DO/GET [bring business up 50% in 6 months] good… but a little unbelievable because you didn’t specify what kind of business. I highly doubt you can bring IBM’s sales up 50% in six months… so you need to specify the first statement.

      USING/ADJECTIVE [covered above]

      EVEN IF/WITHOUT [no sales in last 6 months]

      Again that’s a super bold promise there.

      Ultimately, you’re going to have to reveal a bit more of “what” you’re doing and “who” you’re helping that you can promise these huge results.

      Give this another shot.

      Colin

  • Hi Colin,
    Here it goes,

    We help men, who have no prior experience in starting and managing a loving relationship to get the dream girl you have always wanted. Without the pain of rejection, the frustration of not understanding what she is thinking and spending ton of money on gift she will not accept. We can help YOU attract the girl of your dreams and make her fall heads over heels for you. Even IF, you have already been friend zoned, block your whats-app, Facebook, snap chat.

    • Colin Chung says:

      Hi Nelvin,

      Glad to see you here.

      You’re close. It’s somewhere in there. Stick to the formula.

      We HELP [single men who have never had a healthy relationship before]
      GET/DO [find the girl of their dreams and have her fall in love with you]
      ADJECTIVE [? what can you say here?]
      EVEN IF/WITHOUT [rejection, don’t understand girls, waste money, friend zoned, blocked, etc.]

      What’s the “magic” you can promise in statement 3 that’s different and will turn my head?

      Colin

      • Hi Collin,
        I tried to improve it, but i still think it lacks the “magic” . Can you please see where I can improve and give me some tips.

        We are experts in helping single men, who have never had a healthy relationship before, to get the dream girl you have always wanted. Making them go crazy for you, texting you non-stop and just enjoy the moment you spend with her.Without risking the pain of rejection, the frustration of not understanding what she is thinking and spending ton of money on gift she will not even accept. We can help YOU attract the girl of your dreams and make her fall heads over heels for you. Even IF, you have already been friend zoned, block your whats-app, Facebook, snap chat.

        Nelvin

    • Minh Tam Tran says:

      Thanks Colin How about this:

      We help small company to get back some business with internet add and bringing the business up by 50% within 6 month. Even you don’t know what internet is nor have any experience with it before.